The Last Witch Hunter
Get away from her, you witch!
Hoyts Melbourne Central - Sunday 1 November 2015, 10:00am
Running time: 108m
Country: United States
Classification: M (Supernatural themes and violence)
Release date: 29/10/15
Rating: 2.5/10 (ME 1.5/5, DP 1/5)
The Last Witch Hunter begins with Kaulder (Vin Diesel) slaying the Witch Queen in a mystical forest (I'm thinking of the Chantoozies as I write this and that the human embodiment of the Witch Queen would have to be Totti Goldsmith) before being cursed with immortality. So he hangs around for seven or eight hundred years until we find him on a plane, inexplicably snatching some magic runes (which just happen to have the power to change the weather and cause the plane to crash) from a young witch's cabin baggage, before seducing one of the flight attendants. Suddenly we're in modern day New York where he is saying goodbye to his old friend the 36th Dolan (Michael Caine....who must have had an overdue mortgage payment to make him do this film) who was his minder for the last 50 years of witch hunting hi-jinx. Cut to a scene in a restaurant kitchen with the blind warlock Max Schlesinger (Isaach De Bankolé) and lots of pretty blue and purple butterflies and suddenly you are just as confused by this jumbled mess of a film as we were. There's a 'murder' disguised by a cover up spell and we meet the 37th Dolan (Elijah Wood, though I kept thinking was Toby Maguire). Kaulder races around angrily in a flash black sports car and then we meet the Witch Council and their magical chompy monster sentinel thing. So the bizarre spiral continues and all of a sudden we're in a witch nightclub in Brooklyn owned by Chloe the Dreamwalker (Rose Leslie....Game of Thrones' Ygritte, famous for her 'you know nothing Jon Snow' line; admit it, you just read it in 'that' accent, didn't you?) learning what cocktails witches like to order when they party (who would have ever thought we wanted to know that?) before it accidentally burns down during a flaming sword fight between Kaulde and Belial (Olafur Darri Olafsson) from Finland (I think) who is trying to bring the Witch Queen from 800 years ago, back to life.
I could go on for hours about the strange, random and unnecessary things that happen in this movie, but I'm sure you've got the gist by now....although a room full of witch super models at a fashion show and a femme fatale witch called Danique (Dawn Olivieri) smoking a shisha do deserve a special mention. Just as well Kaulder wasn't hunting coherent dialogue, or a logical plot, because he wouldn't have found either in this film. It's a frustrating movie that will probably only appeal to the most devout fantasy aficionados, but will probably just annoy most other viewers. Some of the special effects weren't too bad, although hardly innovative, and would probably be the only redeeming feature of this frustrating mish-mash. Hopefully there is a clue in the title of the movie and The Last Witch Hunter will indeed be the first and the last in this new attempt at a franchise. Although the door was left wide open for a sequel, there would be nothing to gain from continuing the tedium. (DP)